We don't have many pictures of Riya as such and most of the ones we have, have tubes around her. We have only one video of hers in which she is quite active and that is the only tangible memory of hers with us... nothing else. There is so much to write about her and about our feelings... may be I will write them one day...

Letter I wrote to Riya when she was a month old -

I wrote this letter to my daughter Riya when she was a month old... Posting it here now...

September 7th, 2014

Darling Daughter Riya,

Today you are one month old and in NICU at Prashanth Hospital. You had a surgery yesterday to fix your small intestine. And hopefully you will be recovering well in the next week. The next week is the most crucial part of all your NICU days.

A lot of things happened in the last one month. We, your dad and mom, visited you everyday. We loved looking at you even though you slept most of the time. We waited extra time when you were a little active like when you opened your eyes or made faces. We got to see you smile couple of times. It was so cute to see you doing small small things. I got to hold you couple of times and also touch you. You are so small that I am actually scared of handling you. 

Everyone at home is also excited to have you home soon. They have been praying hard for your health. You are lucky to have such a loving family. 

Sometimes I feel very helpless. I feel I can't do anything and can't even be close to you. I feel guilty. I feel restless. There have been ups and downs in last month. Some days we get some good news from the doctors and some days some bad news. The days when there is bad news, I get so restless and cry that the whole house becomes sad. I can't help it. 

Today, I am just praying that the next one week needs to be the best of your life. You need to recover from the surgery and start pooing. :-). After that you can start drinking some tasty milk and put on weight. You will then be home soon. Waiting for you to be home...

Love you lots,

Mumma.

Dear Riya

Today was the day you were supposed to take birth. But you decided to come early, two months early. Now that I think about why you came early, it comes to my mind that - may be because you wanted us to spend at least some time with you, give us some joys and make us happy.

You were a sweet little baby. The tiny moments that we got to see you, hold you were so precious that we would talk about it to everyone at home. Everyday, I would wait for the clock to hit 9 am and 5 pm, because that was the time I could get to see you and may be touch you. I would be so happy to see you. And on my way back home, I would become miserable. I missed you and wanted to take you home. We saw you smile, cry, yawn, move your limbs. When you were asleep, we wished that you were awake and see more of your activity. We also celebrated your 1 month birthday by giving sweets to the nurses who took care of you in the hospital.

Doctors said that you were fighter after your second surgery. And, yeah you were a fighter. You fought all through the 43 days. I sometime feel that you fought to let me recover from the c-section. It would have been so difficult for me to recover from the surgery had you gone earlier. We were terrified when the doctor at your first hospital told us to shift you to another hospital for a better equipment. But the second hospital was better in a way that they would let me see you any time of the day. I took full advantage of it and saw you many times in a day.

We were devastated the day when doctors told us to be prepared and that things could go either way. And at 10.30 pm that day, the doctor called us to tell that you just had another hour or two to live. We could not believe that this was happening. The doctors gave us some time to spend with you. Your eyes were still tiny bit open and looking at us. We sang you couple of lullabies, trying to put you to sleep. We kissed you for the first and last time and left the room.

It was hard, very hard on us to see you go... and with you went our dreams. We miss you dearly.

Lots of love.

It still feels surreal... still feels that he is around... still feels that I talk to him... may be he will be back soon to talk to me about everything in life... soon!

I miss my grandfather... a lot! Everything in India that I care about revolves around him. I wish I had moved back earlier to spend more time with him... Today is Ganesh Chaturthi and I miss him.

The days are going busy... I am getting "used to" India.
Once in a while I look at the pictures of our South America trip and I wish to go back to traveling again. What an amazing time it was... 

A Complaint

What I did two weeks back -

In Chennai, India where I am currently living, we keep garbage outside our house. A corporation employee, lets call him Mr. X, comes on a tricycle and collects the garbage every morning and throws it in the bigger thrash bins. Mr. X has a bad habit, every time he sees one small extra bag, he starts asking for more money. This happened 2-3 mornings. One morning he did the same, and my father-in-law had a fight with him. Mr. X then decided not to pick garbage from our house and he did not pick up for 3-4 days.

Then one day my mother-in-law dumped garbage in the boot of the car and took it to nearer trash bins and dumped it there. I was uncomfortable with that. I decided to call the Chennai Corporation office and log a complaint against Mr. X. So I went to http://www.chennaicorporation.gov.in/ and called Asst. Commissioner's office. They gave me another no. -  Health Department's and asked me to call there. I called up Health Department and they asked me to call Solid Waste Management. I then called Solid Waste Management, they asked me my address and located that we reside in Zone 9. So then they gave me Zonal 9 Officer's number and asked me to call there. Zonal Officer did not reply my call, so I call back Solid Waste Management and then they give my Asst. Zonal Officer's number. At last some one answered my call and took my complaint and told me that someone will collect the garbage that day and he also mentioned that they would warn Mr. X and if he continues to ask money they will fire him. I was happy that I could accomplish this. But then was not sure if anyone would really come to collect the garbage.

I told about this to my father-in-law - his reaction - "you should have asked me before doing this. The system here is not of complaints. I had spoken to our neighbor and told him to make Mr. X understand. Now he will not pick our garbage at all. They system here is to talk nicely and give some extra cash and get the work done." And I was like what the hell did I do wrong?? I decided not to interfere in any matter hence forth - why? because if what my father-in-law said was true, then it will affect everyone in house. If I am the only one affected, I can take care of it. But no, not everyone should be affected with my actions. So, I spent some time cursing myself. The garbage was also not collected that day.

But next day morning, I get a call at 8 am. Some one starts speaking in Tamil and I say "Wrong number" and hung up knowing later that the call was from Corporation. After 5 mins, there are two men at our door saying -"Did you complain about garbage?" One of them was an officer and the other one was garbage collector. Mr Officer was very furious that I hung up on him. The garbage was taken that day and every following day till today. Mr. X never asked for more money till date.

I am happy that I logged that complaint and also satisfied that the Chennai Corporation took it seriously and helped us. But I am not sure if I will do this again. One thing I wanted to know before making the call was, does the corporation even listens to the complaints - and I got my answer. It might not be true for everyone, may be just a matter of luck?

I am at my parent's place, the house I grew up in, after almost 1.5 years. What I miss the most in this house today is my grandfather whom we called Baba. In the first 2-3 days, I kept hearing his voice at random times. It was like he is still here with us, he is still calling everyone by names, still getting irritated with things not in right place. I am here in this house for the first time when he is not around.

I generally control my emotions, don't let of the tears in front of others. But today, I missed him so much. It is friday and every friday evening we do aarti of Lord Balaji in our office. He called each one of us for the aarti every friday while we were at home and we sang the aarti together. I could not control myself and started crying during the aarti.

We spent so much time with Baba doing so many different things like solving crosswords, repairing electronics, just reading newspapers together. He took us to almost all the hydro-electric dams in the area, to some temples and also to lakes where migratory birds stopped during their transit. When I started my South America trip, I had thought about how I will show my pictures and stories to Baba who was so curious about my life in US. He used to keep an Atlas with him and asked me where I travelled and how I flew from one place to other. I was so excited to share my stories with him, but I can't even show a single picture to him now.

He spoke to most of us, his grandchildren, in English. He used to be so happy and excited whenever any of his daughters or grandchildren or great grandchildren visited him. He gave so much time to each one of us and we all made sure that we spent time with him. He wrote letters to most of us when telephone communication was not such a privilege as it is now.  He used his typewriter to write the letters because his hand was not steady enough to write. We always replied him in letters and he stored all the letters so well in a file.

It has been 3 months since he passed away. I was in Peru, in the amazon jungle the night he passed away. On the previous night, I saw a star near the full moon - in marathi it is called as "Yuti". It reminded me of him, he used to call us and tell us about such "yutis" and asked us to see them. There are so many tiny tiny things that remind me of him. Not one day has passed that I have not thought about him.

I miss him very much, and I wish to hear him again. 

The only thing I wish now is to have a conversation with a person who has lived a life like me and is undergoing similar life changes like me has gone in the past. I want to understand if what I think is right and what has been their experience. 

Completion of a new year resolution

Last year, i.e. on Jan 1st 2012, I made a resolution of spending at least 30 days in South America in 2012 and I wrote a post about the resolution. I always wanted to go to South America and backpack there. I am happy to say that I completed my resolution and spent 80 days in South America. How does it feel? Great, insightful, peaceful, content, happy.

We visited 4 countries - Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia and Argentina. The original plan included Brazil and we also planned to go to Brazil until January 2013, but we canceled it after not getting a visa appointment in Buenos Aires. We have another reason to visit SA again for Brazil, Chile and Venezuela and may be also Ecuador again. Most of our inter city trips were by bus except in Argentina were we took flights. We tried to eat at local restaurants wherever we found vegetarian food. We took local buses, trains, subways for intracity travel. We tried to speak spanish with the locals and used a lot of hand gestures :-). We stayed in hostels until they were clean. But unclean hostels really put us off and we stayed at hotels for that matter. Life was good there. We walked so much everyday - more than 10 kms a day. It was tiring but it was fun. We spent endless hours watching people and wildlife and birds spending their day. Just seeing life pass without thinking about work and other things for 80 days makes you realize what are we really doing when we try to fetch more material things in life like a bigger house, a nicer car or a show off dress.

If you would ask me would I go on a trip like this again? My answer would be yes - a better prepared this time. I would spend some time studying the language before making the trip, I will take a spices box with me - food without spices everyday is not motivating.

What did I get from this trip - Just content - heartfelt content.

Baba

Baba... Ka sodun gelat tumhi... Kiti athavani aahet, sagelya dolya samorun jaat aahet aata. Parat milnar nahi tumchi mithi ani pappi. :(

The feeling is same - seven years back I left India to come to US and today I am leaving US to go back to India and I feel same - sad. Feel like I am going to an unknown land :-s.

Who is a Grand father?

Grand Fathers are the fathers of fathers.
They are the most knowledgeable person you know personally.
Sometimes, they are most encouraging than anyone else.
And sometimes they are most strict than anybody.

They know the right time to learn things.
And they know the right time to take you for a trip, be it to a lake or to a temple.
They are the ones who have learnt it the harder way,
and sometimes in a unique way.


Sometimes, you spend a lot more time with your grand father than your father.

And get pampered a lot.

The stories they have to share with you

Are the kinds you will not hear from anyone else

As you grow, they grow older too,

and "oldness" is exponentially related to "age",

spending time with them in the time you have

is good for you and valuable for them

A very crude set of lines on grand fathers... and what I am feeling right now.

Sometimes, the only way to a happy life is when you start giving up things...

Life is not fair...

One of the not so good things to happen to yourself is having a conflict within you and unable to resolve it.

7 Years...

It has been amazing 7 years in US. This country has made me like a spoiled kid, giving me so much comfort, so much fun, so much independence that I will always compare it to the life in India. 

The only thing I miss sometimes is family. I still remember, in the first 6 months, I cried every time I spoke to my family back in India. My first Diwali out of home was all spent in crying. I visited them in December that year, and the crying stopped. I started enjoying my life in the US. I do miss my family, but I speak to them quite often and then I wonder, if I lived in India, how often I would meet them if I was not living with them, twice or thrice - that too because of some occasions?

Last 7 years, I have learned new things, took up new hobbies, travelled a lot, ate a lot of different cuisines, made a lot of friends, lived a life in which I can make myself happy and also a lot of others.
There will be one day when I will return to India, sooner or later, but today I really like my life here. I enjoy every bit of it. What I really like is the independence I have, to be able to do everything on my own pace and make sure it gets done on time. I can easily go on a day trip all by myself. Being a woman, I feel safe  enough to go for a day trip. I love the easy access to nature and the number of different activities you can do in the outdoors. I like the fact that people are sincere towards their job whatever it might be. Very rarely I have had issues with people not doing their job and blocking me, may it be servicing the car or getting something fixed in my apartment.

To be frank, I am pretty sure I will have a tough time moving back to India. All the things that I like here and appreciate of having, I won't be getting them in India. But may be my life will become so busy  that I will not get any time to think about all this. A lot of people say that life is easy in India when you have kids, I don't agree with that too because I don't see anything wrong with "Day care" facilities.

I feel I am more American than Indian now, its not just the american comfort life, but also my attitude towards a lot of things. I feel the same for American soldiers that I feel for Indian and I also wish that Americans athletes/teams win in a sport that I am watching.

And I really appreciate the value given to a "Life" here, be it human or animal.

Disturbed... so much.

Life is funny... it seems like yours one day and someone else' other. And I have become selfish.

My parents are getting old and I am finding it hard to accept that fact.