Tell me something...

Do you ever feel that you are not doing good in whatever you are doing? Do you feel that you need to perform better? Do you feel that you want to do all that but you are just not good enough?

What do you do then?

It is difficult to appear strong when you are actually weak.
It is difficult to smile when you really want to cry.
It is difficult to be patient when you really are very eager.
It is difficult to tell people that it is not okay, because they will advice you to not do it and you know you have to do it.

I know I am writing only about what is difficult but that is how I am feeling now... frustrated and weak...

I simply feel that I should have not come to the US... I am suddenly feeling distant from India.

So its 10 days to go and I will be married!
Its 6.00 am and I am leaving for India today to get married. In all the preparations of going to India, I forgot about my blog. A friend read my blog yesterday while we were talking and it reminded me of my blog. Reading this, another friend of mine would have said "This is what love does to you". And if you are in Boulder, you can easily guess who this friend is. :D

And yes, this is what love and a person who is there listening to you does. You vent out all feelings to that person and then blog gets bypassed. Its good in one way but I like blogging too... anyways too much digression.

So how am I feeling. I am scared, anxious and I am excited. Living so independently and alone for last 8+ years does get to you. My expectations from myself is the reason for the scare. Lowering your expectations is one solution but then there is no motivations for yourself. Hope I live up to my own expectations which are generally very high. :(

I am super anxious. I have lost my sleep, I hardly sleep for 4 hours a day. I don't feel hungry at all. When I don't work, I just think about how the wedding is going to be. If my dresses are going be apt, the jewelery, etc etc. oh well, a girl's mind and heart is always in her looks. :D

I am happy that most of my close relatives are making it to the wedding. I wish I could say that about my friends too. But either they are super far or they are super busy with their lives (some are expecting new little ones). But hey, I have their wishes. :-).

And I am looking forward for the entire experience of pre-wedding celebrations, the big fat marwari wedding, post-wedding time, honeymoon (we are going Spain!) and the married life after that. It is going to be one big experience...

Will update the blog about this big experience when I am back. See you all in a month. Take care till then.

Love,
Poonam

My mom says me this one morning - "Think about yourself first". I feel like telling her you never taught me to do that. In fact, you always taught me to think about other family members first and then myself. How do you expect me to think about me now?

She tells me to speak out what I want. I feel like telling her, she did not even teach me that. Whenever I spoke what I want when I was young, I was called a stubborn/rude girl. Not only me, but others in my family who did that too were called stubborn/rude. They taught us how to listen to others and compromise all your wants, likings. They appreciated a simple kid who did not have many wishes, who thought about others first and who sacrificed a lot of his/her likings.

And now when you are not in that pitruchaya (dad's secured umbrella) and you are in this world, you understand the importance of being a stubborn person who stands by what he/she wants, who speaks out what he/she thinks is not right and tries to make the most of an opportunity without thinking of others.

Well Mom, its too late... even if you tell me to do that now, I can't do it. And when you or others tell the youngsters to become like me, I hate it the most. I don't want them to become like me! I want them to stand by their own wishes, I want them to be happy instead of thinking of how to make others happy, I want them to be stubborn when they know what they want, I want them to speak out each time even if they are wrong at least you can correct them, I want them to have a brain of their own and not get into emotional atyachaar!

And I have seen this most in joint Indian Marwari Families... and I am part of such a family. I would like to know what do you think about this, do you think you have been brought up in such a way?

In no ways I am dis-respecting my family or my parents, I love them the most! Its just one of the things I think is wrong in me and I am finding an escape by blaming it on the way I was brought up. :-)

Another friend leaves,
some hearts are empty,
some eyes are watery,
and lot of words are unspoken...

Such are relationships,
which give you the most,
and take away from you most,
And now is the time to cherish...

Its been long since I wrote... I have lots to write, but I think writing all that will make me vulnerable. And the last thing I will let happen to myself is making myself vulnerable.

I am confused, and I think I am always confused. My right brain wants one thing and my left brain wants another thing. And its not possible to satisfy both the brains. I wish I not had been like this and I had a clear crystal mind.