My mom says me this one morning - "Think about yourself first". I feel like telling her you never taught me to do that. In fact, you always taught me to think about other family members first and then myself. How do you expect me to think about me now?

She tells me to speak out what I want. I feel like telling her, she did not even teach me that. Whenever I spoke what I want when I was young, I was called a stubborn/rude girl. Not only me, but others in my family who did that too were called stubborn/rude. They taught us how to listen to others and compromise all your wants, likings. They appreciated a simple kid who did not have many wishes, who thought about others first and who sacrificed a lot of his/her likings.

And now when you are not in that pitruchaya (dad's secured umbrella) and you are in this world, you understand the importance of being a stubborn person who stands by what he/she wants, who speaks out what he/she thinks is not right and tries to make the most of an opportunity without thinking of others.

Well Mom, its too late... even if you tell me to do that now, I can't do it. And when you or others tell the youngsters to become like me, I hate it the most. I don't want them to become like me! I want them to stand by their own wishes, I want them to be happy instead of thinking of how to make others happy, I want them to be stubborn when they know what they want, I want them to speak out each time even if they are wrong at least you can correct them, I want them to have a brain of their own and not get into emotional atyachaar!

And I have seen this most in joint Indian Marwari Families... and I am part of such a family. I would like to know what do you think about this, do you think you have been brought up in such a way?

In no ways I am dis-respecting my family or my parents, I love them the most! Its just one of the things I think is wrong in me and I am finding an escape by blaming it on the way I was brought up. :-)

Another friend leaves,
some hearts are empty,
some eyes are watery,
and lot of words are unspoken...

Such are relationships,
which give you the most,
and take away from you most,
And now is the time to cherish...

Its been long since I wrote... I have lots to write, but I think writing all that will make me vulnerable. And the last thing I will let happen to myself is making myself vulnerable.

I am confused, and I think I am always confused. My right brain wants one thing and my left brain wants another thing. And its not possible to satisfy both the brains. I wish I not had been like this and I had a clear crystal mind.

Sometimes I think if it is good to have that open a mind and speak it out that frankly. I think people find difficult to connect with me and get offended. Its not that what I think I am going to implement it in my life, but I think there is nothing wrong in those things.

And I cant ignore what people think about me. At last, I live in a society. And so, I sometimes feel running away from the society in a secluded area where there is no one to judge you.

You wish, Poonam! That is never going to happen.

I feel like a dumb. I dont know anything about what I should have known in the ideal world. I dont know... I am clueless. I feel pathetic...

Update - And then I crib about it to A, and I feel good after cribbing. :D

Note

You can't make everyone happy. So, be happy when you and some near ones are happy.

:)

I never felt that I will have all these emotions that I am going through currently. I always thought that I have a very stony heart. People who know me also think similar about me... they can never imagine me with a guy and in love. I had all those girly dreams but my love for my parents and family always super-seeded those dreams. I always took marriages as society rituals. And when I said yes to getting married, I still had all these things in my mind.

And now, after 5 months of being engaged, I have such different emotions. I am surprised on myself. I have been planning the next phase of my life. I keep thinking about him most of the time. The one person I look forward to talk to is him. And I keep missing him so much. And for the first time, I cried today just because I was missing him. Yeah, this heart has become soft with time, and its falling in love... and the feeling is very good... :)