Thinking about things that don't work 24 hours is not going to make it work. Stop thinking about them when you are not working on them... try to make them work when you are actually working on it.

Lori...

Have you tried hearing to any Loris when you are unable to sleep at night? Trust me, you feel fall asleep as soon as you hear one.
I realized this yesterday night when I woke up at 3am and couldn't sleep. So, I started watching Mahabharat (something that I watch everyday on Youtube these days) at night and around 5am, Yashoda starts singing lori to Krishna, and I slept listening to it. Felt so much at peace... :)

Good Night.

Feeling helpless...

Whenever I realize that me being in some other place would give some of my near ones a little comfort and a little help and I am unable to do that, I start feeling helpless... I start questioning myself if what I am currently doing is worth it.

Life is about relationships and the people in your life... but I am not able to take care of them 100%.

Its not always easy to do what you want to do.

Tell me something...

Do you ever feel that you are not doing good in whatever you are doing? Do you feel that you need to perform better? Do you feel that you want to do all that but you are just not good enough?

What do you do then?

It is difficult to appear strong when you are actually weak.
It is difficult to smile when you really want to cry.
It is difficult to be patient when you really are very eager.
It is difficult to tell people that it is not okay, because they will advice you to not do it and you know you have to do it.

I know I am writing only about what is difficult but that is how I am feeling now... frustrated and weak...

I simply feel that I should have not come to the US... I am suddenly feeling distant from India.

So its 10 days to go and I will be married!
Its 6.00 am and I am leaving for India today to get married. In all the preparations of going to India, I forgot about my blog. A friend read my blog yesterday while we were talking and it reminded me of my blog. Reading this, another friend of mine would have said "This is what love does to you". And if you are in Boulder, you can easily guess who this friend is. :D

And yes, this is what love and a person who is there listening to you does. You vent out all feelings to that person and then blog gets bypassed. Its good in one way but I like blogging too... anyways too much digression.

So how am I feeling. I am scared, anxious and I am excited. Living so independently and alone for last 8+ years does get to you. My expectations from myself is the reason for the scare. Lowering your expectations is one solution but then there is no motivations for yourself. Hope I live up to my own expectations which are generally very high. :(

I am super anxious. I have lost my sleep, I hardly sleep for 4 hours a day. I don't feel hungry at all. When I don't work, I just think about how the wedding is going to be. If my dresses are going be apt, the jewelery, etc etc. oh well, a girl's mind and heart is always in her looks. :D

I am happy that most of my close relatives are making it to the wedding. I wish I could say that about my friends too. But either they are super far or they are super busy with their lives (some are expecting new little ones). But hey, I have their wishes. :-).

And I am looking forward for the entire experience of pre-wedding celebrations, the big fat marwari wedding, post-wedding time, honeymoon (we are going Spain!) and the married life after that. It is going to be one big experience...

Will update the blog about this big experience when I am back. See you all in a month. Take care till then.

Love,
Poonam